Tegan Stover

TW: discussion of death; severe health issues

I’m back. Firstly, thank you to everyone for being gracious about my situation.

When I lost my Grandma on Memorial Day, it’s not that it was completely unexpected given her health diagnoses, but rather the suddenness of everything. You can know that someone’s body is slowly shutting down over time, and somehow still find it jarring when they are taken out instead by something like a stroke or a heart attack, even though you were completely aware that the time was coming one way or another, as it does for everyone. In her case it was a stroke and blood clot followed by a couple of mostly-unconscious days in hospice with family keeping vigil. It’s jarring to talk with someone and say, “I’ll talk to you next week, love you, goodbye” only for the next week to never come and you don’t get closure.

And here’s the funny thing. Even when you’ve experienced not getting proper closure on more than one occasion, it doesn’t make it hurt any less when it happens again. We repeatedly make the mistake of assuming that tomorrow is given and that we will necessarily have the time to do what we have put off for today. And… It’s not even so much about catastrophizing about death and human consciousness and fretting over not being ✨uber-productive✨, but a reminder to not live on autopilot, always programmed to chug away on that next goal and only looking toward the near or distant future instead of truly paying attention to what is in front of us in the present…

Aside from mourning, reflecting on all this has made me start looking at how I want to live my life. What I want most for my life. Whether I take all the chances I could and should in order to keep growing. I have definitely seen some ways in which I can be living more authentically and that’s my goal from here. It’s a rocky start but I hope you’ll stay for the journey.